My New Normal

Anytime we experience a major change in our lives, we go through an adjustment period where we try to establish some sense of normalcy. Whether it is a positive change (like the birth of a child) or a negative one (like the death of a loved one), our lives are forever altered, and we have to re-establish how we move through the world.

I experienced this when my mother died. I experienced it when I entered recovery. Most recently, I experienced this when I endured treatment for cancer.

When I got the diagnosis, I stayed positive. I wasn’t going to let “it” win. I wasn’t going to let it change my life. It was a blip – a speed bump – a hurdle…you pick the metaphor. I was going to do what the doctors wanted and be done with it. Besides, everyone told me that I had the “good cancer” – just thyroid cancer, right? No big deal, right? This was last September…

I gave myself until Christmas to be back to “normal.”

Call it naïve. I do. I was naïve. The good cancer? Seriously? Like any cancer can be good. It was foolish to believe that. Furthermore, I was unrealistic to think that my body would return to its pre-cancer state. Silly, when you think of it…they took a vital organ. I ate radioactive material. No matter my mindset, my body would never be the same.

So now, I’m trying to figure out this “new normal” and I’m having to accept some harsh truths about my reality.

It’s not just a pill a day. It’s a drawn-out process (and challenge) to find the right dose taken at the right time in the right way. Too much and I feel like I’m having a heart attack. Too little and I can’t stay awake. I’m still waiting to find “just right.”

I need more sleep than before. Sucks for me – I was a resident night-owl. I had no problem functioning on 4 hours of sleep. Now, it’s like 9 – 10 hours. I go to bed at 9, not 2. And I hate it…but I feel horrible the next day if I don’t. (And by horrible, I’m talking tequila hangover.)

Everything I eat and drink seems to affects me. EVERYTHING. Some food makes me physically feel better than others. Anything even remotely bad (read ENJOYABLE) makes me ill. (See hangover reference above.)

Everything takes more effort. I just can’t do what I could before. I need to rest more and do less…which completely pisses me off. I don’t like having to slow down. I don’t like having to consider my limitations when I’m planning my days.

My brain doesn’t always cooperate. This is the worst one…I love my mind. I struggle with words. I have trouble writing. I say things backwards. I can’t remember things. And I refuse to surrender this one.

Reading back over this, it sounds whiny. It sounds angry. If someone told me this, I would want to tell that person to be grateful for being alive and point out it could always be worse. And it could…and I am grateful.

I didn’t write this to complain. I have an awesome life. I have so much to look forward to this year – including a wedding. I’m marrying my best friend…someone who has supported me through so many things. And we’re happy…really happy together.

My mindset remains positive. I got this. I’m not going to let cancer define me. I’m not going to add that badge to my collection. And I’m moving forward in life, in faith, and with a tremendous sense of gratitude.

Like everything else, I wrote this to process my reality. Once I write it, I can’t deny it. I wrote this to acknowledge how things have changed…to determine my new normal.

At the same time, I know it won’t always be like this. I have lived a hundred lives – some of them in a single day – in the 46 years I’ve been on this earth. Today, I accept where I am. I accept this life with all of its obstacles and blessings. And I wish you the same…